*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
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My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu? Bird flu requires tweetment; swine flu requires oinkment.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
They say AI will take all our jobs, but I’d like to see AI selling cigarettes to teenagers outside 7-11
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.