*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
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I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!
me: god danb ut
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face