*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
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Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
opening twitter today
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.