(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
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My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…