(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
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Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
sin harder.
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
how to have an accident 101
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?