(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
You Might Also Like
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
😂🤣😂🤣
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
stirring up shit at the wedding by going up to random people and saying “i think it’s so brave that you’re here”
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.