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Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
on da cob, we all corn
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Happy Caturday!
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Sign at work today
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude