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Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
who’s ready for the long weeknd?
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
wtf
Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to treat grizzly bears unless it’s been given a STRONG anesthetic, proving true the old adage that…
There’s safety in numb-bears.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.