“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
You Might Also Like
don’t message me unless you have this energy
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Yup….perfect score!
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Mistakes were made
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two