“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
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wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.
Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Coffee either makes me anxious or makes me sleepy. When it makes me sleepy I call it a nappuccino 💤
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak