Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss

Imagine Dragons.

No. Dragoner.

Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.

That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”

Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.

“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”

15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now

“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee

*Plot Twist*

Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.

Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.

MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?

ME: Yep!

HIM: Get out

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.

My wife is my rock.
Not only is she always there for me, but she looks just like Dwayne Johnson

Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off

Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.

Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.

Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.

Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?

We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face

Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff

I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….

… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.

*At the bar

Me)Is this seat taken?

Woman)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion

Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair

6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.

“dom or sub?”

subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion

The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.

I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society

But my Dad did

Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?

Me: tushy tushy!

Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*