Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Airport security supervillain screening]

AGENT: Spell ‘haha’

ME: OK, ‘M’,–

AGENT: ur under arrest

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face

I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:

At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them

mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights

also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼

[lights go out]

Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.

I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.

Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅

Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage

Bar tender: On the rocks?

Me: What? No. Full of coke

Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”

Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”

What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house

A spoo-key.

.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.

Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.

[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.

“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”

-an obituary

Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.

my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp

Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.

Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.

Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority

Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?

Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*

me: I need to buy a train ticket

employee: window or aisle

me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what

This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.

[at restaurant]

Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?

Me: Just one, thanks.

Wife (clears throat): Two.

[at the bar]

Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!

Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol

Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.

I’m too Shreksy for my shirt

[napping on couch]

Son: wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok i’ll be the cops.

Son: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Son: why not?

Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.

Son: oh.

Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.

The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.

Mars: I have a boyfriend

Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…

Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!

Boss:

Me:

If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”

You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.