Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.

My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.

Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.

I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.

DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti

Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.

Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.

I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.

My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.

I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle

Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice

Nobody:

Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”

I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?

Me: Because I love you.

ibopfufen

Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.

Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song

When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.

He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”

To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.

Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.

Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”

My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.

waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?

me: no no I’ve eaten food before

Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.

I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.

M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?

I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.

cat: *unresponsive*

bartender: get this catatonic

one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”

It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99