Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
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The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.