Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
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ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Rapunzel! Let down your CVS receipt.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*