Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.

The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.

My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.

“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.

I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.

Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.

My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.

[at the store]

Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?

It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well

[typing in parental control pin]

5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works

After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.

Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.

I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.

Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.

Wait, what

My God! Have you seen the cost of funerals? No wonder people are living longer

I’m trying to explain myself less often because:

*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*

And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.

Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

Inventor of the toaster:

How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?

Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.

Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio

ME: my son ran away

COP: we won’t rest until we find him

ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush

Whoa, whoa whoa…

I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.

Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?

Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.

I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.

It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.

Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?

When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!

All the slides were just pictures of me….

Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*