Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting

(my very first day as President)

Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh

If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.

Cardio? Is that in Spain?

Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks

I am a(n):

⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
 
seeking:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries

*Arrives at the barbers*

“I’d like some highlights please”

*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*

Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe

I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!

Costco workers just authorized a nationwide strike, which makes sense because collective action is basically just buying justice in bulk

ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.

GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.

ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!

I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.

Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion

what my late-night hot pocket sees

*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*

Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”

5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”

Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”

My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.

I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.

So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.

I am tired of being a part of a major historical event

“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”

Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.

I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:

Heyyyy Macarena.

I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it

I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”

I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.

“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.

I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.

Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now