Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
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When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
i baked you a cake
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.