Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love this❤️😁👍

My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza

All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.

There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.

Lmfao

Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”

I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!

I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.

Me: *opens my front door*

Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*

Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.

I self medicate, therefore you live.

I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend

Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.

Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.

Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”

I’m a champion of grammar;

A grampion, if you will.

Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.

My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???

Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.

A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.

*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*

“This is just ridiculous”

If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone

Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.

Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?

Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me

[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?

Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.

{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving

Hmm, not sure about this change

My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover

If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.