Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
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My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
I love it all
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
I bet Wile E. Coyote went near suicidal when he discovered DoorDash after spending millions on delivery for ACME products.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
An odd boast
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free