Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
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*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.