“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
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A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
i baked you a cake
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”
Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
How can I say no to this ?
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
beginning to understand why deer throw themselves in front of cars