“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
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My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,
“You’re making a big moose steak.”
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
How high do the levels go?
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.