Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are three types of people:

1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met

after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry

[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day

I started dating a lumberjack.

He’s a handsome feller.

At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit

Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples

All the tiny apples:

me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ

Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.

Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?

Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.

My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.

he asked “what are we?” i said we the best

It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.

Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?

You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.

Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.

I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.

Me: table for two

Hostess: did you have reservations

Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now

Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT

My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.

Welcome to the family, Alexa.

Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.

One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.

I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere

also my go-to takeaway order

My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.

The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.

On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.

ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too

FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket