Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
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I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
never ask a starfish for directions
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family