Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
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Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
“I need to print out this video.”
“And after that shall we trap light in a bottle?”
“What?”
“And capture fire in a poem?”
“Uh”
“Catch music in our hands? Seal love in a box and mail it to ourselves?”
“I don’t know about all that but could you just print out this video please?”
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*