Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
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When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
