Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
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Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
“what that mouth do?” complain
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
emergency phone
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
subtitles are so good nowadays
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
No, he would not have.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now