Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
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This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Unexpected Judgment
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
This story is comedy gold 😂
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS