Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?
You Might Also Like
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me