Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
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11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now