Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
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[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
My partner bought a CD player that we can plug into our car so we can play our CDs and the Amazon listing features the following images. 💀💀💀
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti