Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
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*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
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Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
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