Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again

Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book

When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.

I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…

If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.

I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.

At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.

Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.

High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.

ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.

“Recalculating. Recalculating.”

– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back

Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror

Isn’t

For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.

To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.

Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.

A kebab made by a librarian is a

Shhhhhish kebab

#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass

do u think the guy who names hurricanes chooses the names of people he loves or is mad at

I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

health insurance agent: and do you smoke?

me: *winking* only after sex

hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke

receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.

if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation

This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo

me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”

friend: “what did you learn today?”

me: “guitar”

friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”

me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”

friend:

me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”

The year 2035.

Razors now have 47 blades.

Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.

Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.

Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool