playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
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Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Are they honking at me because I’m cute or because I can’t drive?
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today