Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
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A family that plays together cheats.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
