Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
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Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Do not levitate over flowers
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why