Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days

We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.

As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.

doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on

[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]

“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”

Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”

People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.

I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done

This is a fact based meme 😏😂

all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period

no refunds

“How much to hire a church singing group?”

“You mean a choir?”

“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”

Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?

School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.

[first day in prison]

ME: so whatcha in for?

HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions

ME: how many is too many?

HUGE CELLMATE: one

ME: oh no

I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking

I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.

There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos

me: hey what’s your ring size

her: omg why

me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future

Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.

relationship goals

I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces

I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.

“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”

*pulls the plug*

Waiter: And how would you like your steak?

Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?

me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux

penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]

me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size

I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic

Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be

Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”

My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:

“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”

People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”