Playdough smells better than other philosophers
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HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
“I took care of your clown problem.”
I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.