Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
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“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
love to click “no borders” on my excel spreadsheets. like hell yeah brother. one world ✌️
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings