Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
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The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.
To the person trying to hack my account, I’ve just been sent this verification code: 928377.
Hope that helps.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack