Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.

Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love

[farm]

SON: *crying*

ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them

SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!

ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him

WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog

Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!

me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin

thanksgiving should be called feaster

Me: *stands on one leg*

My flamenco teacher: No.

My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.

If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.

Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.

I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.

Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.

*in an interview*

Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.

Applicant: 5-7PM po.

Me:

Applicant: 8PM.

Me:

If y’all see a mushroom cloud over north Mississippi don’t worry it’s just me burning all the Amazon boxes.

found my next D&D character name

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me

I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.

Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?

Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge

When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.

“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup

I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.

Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.

I faked a smile and gave him a bite.

Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.

I have no wife.

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.

[First day as an exterminator]

Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.

Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD

I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.

Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted

To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.

If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”

“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches