Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.

The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.

That and the fact that the bottle was empty.

Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon

does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual

Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?

Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.

Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.

People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”

if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you

name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture

[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please

every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.

applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”

I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red

[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]

The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”

Saturday

Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?

The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom

I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.

I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after

How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left

The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.

Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.

Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.

The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.

Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.

Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.

You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.

It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.

Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.

*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*

I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.

More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.

And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.

So cis people are super normal