Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
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[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Best spot.. 😅
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.