Player 1: There goes his funny bone.

Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!

Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!

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Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.


me: i won employee of the month

her: ur self-employed



me: i also got demoted


[stepping out of time machine]

me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe

giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect


Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me:I’m cute?

Cop: Nope

Me: you like my car?

Cop: Nope

Me: I could do this all day.


Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.

What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.


I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.


“A picture is worth a thousand words.”

“A thousand words is for amateurs.”


like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?