Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
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Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Merry Christmas
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]