@prufrockluvsong
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
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@ESXIII
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
@clichedout
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
@tiemoose
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
@lauralexx
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
@tamytoo2
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me:I’m cute?
Cop: Nope
Me: you like my car?
Cop: Nope
Me: I could do this all day.
@ElgatoEsmio
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
@E_lok44
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
@TheAlexNevil
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
@ChillGates69
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?