Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Courtroom]

Judge: Have you been up before me?

Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?

day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.

Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*

so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her

100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion

For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision

“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do

i thought lingerie was a type of noodle

*burglar alarm goes off*

me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work

I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.

Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.

I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭

Guy: I’m an organist

Me: what you got against organs?

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.

Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan

Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors

Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.

JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head

I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?

Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.

A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.

Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.

there’s nothing that turns me into a boomer faster than when a company’s customer service line doesn’t give me an option to speak with a real human. no I will not go to your website. I just came from your website. i will k*ll you

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.

Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles

KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?

KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.

I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…