[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
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[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Roses are red, you always mattered,
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body