*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
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the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
i love nyc i was hungover beyond belief and watched the nypd arrest 2 or 3 fake timothee chalamets this afternoon. perfect sunday.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
this is literally a CIA plant
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
