*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
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I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
#MeanwhileInCanada
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Holy shit he’s back
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
😂🍻
