*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
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I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Wow 🤣
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.
#LunchPun
This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh