Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.

I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.

I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes

*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled

*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money

Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die

Me: I prefer the natural look

Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products

Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.

Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.

My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.

I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.

Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.

You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?

employee: should I restock the vegetables

manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training

employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce

#SCOTUS one-star review

I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs

Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.

Also me: Yes, I can see that.

Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink

Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.

animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what

99 bottles of beer on the wall?

Challenge accepted

god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination

Who’s ready for Friday?!

Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.

I need this for my side hustle.