Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.

i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk

My love language is Latin. It’s dead.

I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.

Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

[riding crowded elevator]

Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make

Jeez Louise: five

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.

all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks

ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo

ME: *way too loud* A granaconda

ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

[working in garage]

“Hand me a screwdriver, son”

A flat one?

“No”

[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go

video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber

I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.

Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated

Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.

I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*

Is this a date? It feels like a date.

On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun

I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.

I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place

Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.

Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.

girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??

Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.

still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time

My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”

Me: “You should wear them all the time.”

Her: “What?”

Me: “Exactly.”

The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block

I know a sign from God when I see one

When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.

I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now