Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”

Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*

Grading system for students in India:

A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family

A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.

Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?

No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.

i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction

Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’

Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.

I call this the Heineken maneuver.

“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not

me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?

Lou Bega: *deep breath*

a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat

We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining

Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM

Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM

There is no winning 🙄

ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.

ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.

If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out

Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it

Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.

date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes

I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.

*changes phone default notification sound*

My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours

“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”

It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying

My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

first wiseman: i brought you gold

second wiseman: i brought you frankincense

third wiseman: i brought you myrrh

fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself

mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down