Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’

[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]

THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?

ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.

Well, this certainly took a turn

taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake

me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what

ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that

Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?

It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.

People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know

Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”

People: wait no, why are you like that

SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT

Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.

Millennials: we share all of our feelings.

Gen X: feelings?

Speak now or ever hold your peace

When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.

I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..

That is the Aldi’s experience

Me: What’d you do this weekend?

Her: I got a henna tattoo.

Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.

*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*

your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone

I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.

Wife: Could you be dehydrated?

Me: Of course not.

W: How much water have you had?

Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.

W: Wow.

Me: Told you.

The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.

We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.

Cop: License and registration

Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec

everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will

I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.

I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go

THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?

ME: ew, why you so jelly?

Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok

I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.