Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.

just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be

My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?

Me: Sounds like we had a good run.

Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”

Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?

Me: Who told you my secret?!?

I’m not proud

wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no

I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE

A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.

AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.

I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.

Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.

The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself

Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.

Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this

Her: What, really?

Me: It’s fairer

Her: But I didn’t have wine

Me: You had dessert though

Her: I am 6 years old

Me: Get your money out

NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs

SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail

NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug

SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?

NOAH:

SLUG:

NOAH: karaoke’s at 7

More professions should have fantasy betting. One sec, babe. Gotta set my fantasy county commissioner lineup,

DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.

ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.

If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.

therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.

Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.

I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.

I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.

11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you

– cluckbait

[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]

ME: Thank you all for coming

37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?

*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?

CAT: lol, no

I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.

Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.

i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea

If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.