Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”

“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.

I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.

I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.

Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.

Stay lazy my friends.

I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need

Oh, so you’re a human?

name three pictures with traffic lights in them

It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*

me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school

spy hq: none suspect you, right?

me: roger

spy hq: keep her in sight

[later]

teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?

me: i’ve been made

spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!

Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*

Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*

welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder

Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes

a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.

Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow

[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”

whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person

I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake

Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv

At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.

84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”

One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day

May or may not have just made a move on my best friend of a year by saying “what’s a little bouncing on it between friends” and I may or may not now be responsible for planning a date

Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho

Good boy 😂😂

Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off

I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.