Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
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*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
#dnd #ttrpg
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.