Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
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Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
What do you text your spouse?
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
Ever wonder when birds fly in a V, why is one side is longer?
Because there are more birds on that side
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach