Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
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That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
My account is fake I’m actually your probation officer.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Here’s a meme
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.