Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
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I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.
I’ll be back in 5 min.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…