Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
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*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.