Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭

an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube

Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.

[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us

How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?

Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.

-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse

“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced

In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.

[Wendy’s]

Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy

It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*

I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.

*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*

At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration

I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around

With less than 1 day to go..

Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?

This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret

Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.

[hits you in the face with newspaper]

“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”

My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.

He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.

Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*

Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.

My nephew had an upset stomach for a few days. Once he felt better, he said that when he grew up he would invent a medication that would make diarrhea instantly gone and he’d call it gone-a-rhea and we grownups were like nahhh buddy that name is kinda already taken.

The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…

-stalker’s

VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.

ME: I can’t run either.

*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.

Husband: so are we self isolating now?

Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!

Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes

idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page

I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.

All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.

Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!