Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”

*Usher and Lil John singing from the radio*: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!”

My 7yo: What’s this song called?

The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.

Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.

I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.

[Before people were invented]

THE EARTH: This is nice

In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.

Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”

FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*

Got ya covered

I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker

Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!

Me: I don’t gossip.

I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,

disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?

disciple 2: his dad owns the company

8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”

Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.

4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there

Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.

Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks

Me, 45: Looks like a million hams

“thank you for choosing Amtrak” no problem there are no other trains

My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.

the British: we demand to be taken seriously

also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook

When your child makes a full inventory of their Halloween take so they can tell if they are being robbed by a family member.

My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone

Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.

“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.

If I lived in a town where dancing was illegal, I’d take up arson as a hobby. “Footloose” would have been 7 minutes long.

My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.

ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]

ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]

ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-

ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’

Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.

*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year

“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”