Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.

A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.

[first date]

Him: Why are you being so distant?

Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.

hey, alexa

I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.

Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?

Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]

I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.

*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*

*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*

Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.

Not being an heiress has ruined my life

my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience

I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”

My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.

[loud crashes]

Me: What was that?

4-year-old: Nothing.

Me:

4:

Me: OK.

Parenting is easier than it looks.

FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.

COP: How can you be sure?

GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.

Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴

If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.

I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.

My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth

If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar

Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s

it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”

I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.

70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.

I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.

ME: Dave’s coming over for tea

WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?

DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas

Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.

#Caturday

Haters gonna hate…

Masters gonna bate.