Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.

TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!

Cats are so graceful and light-footed.

[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]

I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.

-Every girl, ever.

Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips

I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore

Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie

My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”

We’re thinking Harvard.

My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?

Me:

Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on

Christian Bale: What?

I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.

Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”

I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.

Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”

COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?

PLAYER: 2020.

COACH: Correct. Who is the president?

PLAYER: I don’t know.

COACH: Also correct.

Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler

who’s gonna tell her?

Him: How does my football throw look to you?

Me: Like you’re good at science…

Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.

I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!

cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????

I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…

Stewardess – Are you a comedian?

Me – Yes

Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”

I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.

Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.

Pandas 🐼🖤

I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.

I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.

I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕

I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”

How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em