Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
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Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Mapping America’s Far Right
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
If the shampoo and the conditioner finish at the same time, one of them faked it
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
*pronounces patio like ratio
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”