[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
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*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend