Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.

First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice

*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed

Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.

I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’

did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”

jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again

i mean good morning

she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”

uh you pretty much described my fantasy

“Susan, will you marry me?”

“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”

Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.

FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?

ME: Nice to meet you.

BOSS: And what do you not say?

ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.

I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.

Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.

Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.

What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two….

I’m still laughing .

Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine

Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.

My wife and I will be sleeping.

I am an influencer.

If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.

Do better.

Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.

My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.

Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.

Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.

Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.

Me: Damn you hate our house that much?

Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person

Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?

Hubs: Yes!!

My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.

-my suicide note

ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot