[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
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ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Why is peter pan always flying?
He neverlands.
I like this joke because it never grows old.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.