Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

Me: * tastes dog treats*

Stalker: frickin weirdo

Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?

[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how

“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.

30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion

Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”

If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby

Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart

My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.

I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.

Meow?

my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played

Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?

Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit

Hubs: um…

Me: oh bugger!

IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”

My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.

My biggest fears are:

-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running

I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her

“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…

I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”

I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.

canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy

Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”

Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?

Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.

Sincerely,
Santa Claus.

[on the phone]

Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.

CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?

I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.

Sister: What can I get your kids this year?

Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?

Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.

Me: