Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains

[inventing video games]

i wanna be lazy but with a purpose

If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.

me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?

Just randomly thinking about the guy I dated that broke up with me because I used a chicken tender like a spoon to eat mashed potatoes

I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.

Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.

My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it

Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.

my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend

Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.

doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?

me: does sex count?

doctor: yes

me: then no

nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will

Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but

“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”

[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]

‘Nam…

I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.

If you’re thinking of having kids, last night I told my 5 year old what I made for dinner and he said “Ew, gross,” then three minutes later I caught him eating a booger.

“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend

*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:

oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now

If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future

My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more

Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website

I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.

If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.

My favorite state to visit?

Unconsciousness

my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs

Me: haha should I get out and push

Everyone on The Submarine: YES

Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.