Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
You Might Also Like
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.