Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
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ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Just got my first “let’s hold off on this conversation until the New Year” email. Absolutely ecstatic
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?
Asking for a friend.
* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago