Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)

GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing

ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me

GUY: DAMMIT

Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.

My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime

We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man

And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony

[coworkers chatting about me, to me]

cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰

[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit

My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.

{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?

*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”

Wow. That’s good

The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.

morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes

me: they both taste exactly the same

morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?

me: OH MY GOD

Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink

[on the sidelines at a college football game]

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell

crowd: *not paying attention*

me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!

crowd: *still not paying attention*

me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday

Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.

All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.

I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.

They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”

My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.

8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure

Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.

Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.

I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.

People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.

*tides knock down my sand castle*

Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]

Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.