Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need

Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this

Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…

Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!

Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?

When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear

Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.

My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE

Me: *gives her a little bit*

My Dog: I have diarrhea

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.

I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.

I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.

I am patiently waiting for your email

Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”

If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.

9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.

i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard

“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”

“No sun.”

I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?

She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time

Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.

My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy

[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?

Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that

Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%

Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%

i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on

Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!

Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!

JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days

“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”

me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier

Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.

me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online

uber driver: oh cool me too

fly splatting on windscreen: same

If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.