Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
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a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Should I be worried that buzzards circle me when I go for a run?
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey