Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.

I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.

if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again

Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up

*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*

I’ll definitely check it out.

Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.

Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air

90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.

Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.

Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”

It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.

Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.

Electrical engineer: Dead battery.

Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.

IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.

first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that

Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!

Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life

Me: you’re a coward

Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”

bruce banner: [getting angry]

black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]

bruce banner: what is this?

black widow: anger manageMINT.

hulk: [sighs heavily]

5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!

“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me

medium: so you want to contact your wife

wife: *muffled* open the door

me: sometimes I can still hear her voice

wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys

me: it’s like she’s here watching over me

My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.

I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.

Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pasta

He’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove

me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!

my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is antonym

ME: synonym

JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example

ME: *lips on mic* i-t

My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…

I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.

No YOU’VE been drinking.

My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.

it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months

My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.

College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?

Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY

Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.

😂😂