Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences

Judge: No

4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?

Me: Would you eat them if they were?

4: No!

Me:

4: Unless I had ketchup.

The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80

You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.

On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.

*Follows dreams

*Ends up at refrigerator.

“How much for this toaster?”

“An arm & a leg.”

“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”

“A leg & 3 fingers.”

“Deal!”

– Cannibal Pawn Stars

I told the family that I had to go into work for a few hours but I’m actually just sitting out in the shed eating a bag of Baconators in peace.

I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.

[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!

Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.

Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?

Mom: 27

If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”

Why soy sad?

CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing

[inventing tupperware]

make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti

aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.

To all my friends who lost weight- I found it

*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*

“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”

God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly

If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.

*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*

I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her

“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”

– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school

I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.

There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.

This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest

I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.

Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”

I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?